It’s the Monday after Thanksgiving break and three things caught me by surprise. The first that this weekend past was so laid back full of rest and the minimal. It was so delightful that the second surprise slapped me right in the head almost knocking me over. Sunday morning came with a migraine and I just assumed that I had caught the sickies from my sweeties and that it would work it course. Then as pain intensified, I realized it was not the flu just another month had past like a breath and it was time again like clockwork for three days suffering in the dark. Relief came, not without pain, but with assurance that I was not suffering the flu but was on my body’s normal course. The third surprise was so unexpected that it has tossed to and fro in my mind neither gaining momentum nor losing it. Just turning, round and round, as if waiting for clarity or finality. Yet without the later I will share with you my heart, tread lightly for my intention is not to be a Grinch that steals season joy but a Lover that defends it.
Intimacy has been threaded through my heart in ways of beauty I did not know existed. It started with an intense season of letting go. A season of heaving away barriers that prevented the closeness and vulnerability need to become acquainted with such a deep togetherness. It started with boundaries at the perimeter of my existence to ensure safety and prevent re-injury. Then it moved closer to heart matters that I held and hurt over. Sifting through and feeling loss was a process needed to clear away space enough for truth to take root. I was diligent because I was starving. Knowing that fulfillment and healing deep was just beyond the barriers was fuel to a fiery furry that gave strength to move mountains! Then light pierced like the dawn and I realized how long I had been sitting in the dark. It was such a relief that the chains fell behind and I was standing in His light victorious. Yet there was a yearning that although I was in the light after all these years a yearning remained for something more. How dare I yearn for more after ALL He has done for me and in me. My pride pushed behind I realized that it was out of His design that yearning stemmed from. My design for intimacy created by the Creator Himself to know and be known. To be filled so fully that joy spills over in this dark deprived world. With learning this new place nestled in the embrace of the great I AM, I was given something I am unworthy and ill equipped hold.
Through two books the Spirit reveal and edified this journey I am on. I realized how little I know about intimacy and why. This revelation only made my longing deeper. Temptation to run back to bondage familiar and feed on the dirt that used to fill is present and pressing! When I fall back or turn away from the discomfort of the light, grace prompts me to repent and turn again into the light and continue this renewing of the mind. This work is one awkward and I fumble with the new while exposing the old trying to discard it forever. Yet like all renewing it take time, repetitive of the new over and over faithful persistence in choosing the Way over the Flesh. I am far from experienced, but am trying. In all the fumbling, I still have my heart of mercy and not knowing how it fits in with this true intimacy of the Almighty, my mind obsesses and my heartaches not wanting to return to bondage…ever.
My eyes see and I want to spring into action. I want to serve the needy, speak truth to the lost and expose the lies. But a gentle firm voice speaks into my obsessing,
“Why? You gave me this heart, this seeing, this light…isn’t that the purpose for it to shine for others establishing Your glory? To see YOU, to know YOU??? Really, You want me to wait in the ache and do nothing.”
I obeyed with reluctance knowing that I only see but a fraction and need to trust. The ache grew and I see depravity of spirit everywhere in family, schools, neighborhoods, churches and even Christmas. There its out…I lost my Christmas spirit to gain intimacy with the One who is supposed to BE Christmas. As I looked over what Christmas is in design to celebrate, listening to all passionate followers of Christ set up for advent, my heart ached even more. I can not do it. I can no longer see Christmas as a spiritual time to draw close to the infant Christ. The Church fights to keep Christ in Christmas and make beauty through ambiance, music and giving. Yet my heart returns to the embrace and all I hear is weeping.
“Why, Lord, why take the joy out of Christmas for me???”
“Why instead of good cheer do I hear weeping, why instead of merriment I have heartache, why instead of giving do I see depravity of spirit?”
He answered….”Welcome to My Heart.”
****Pray over the burning these words may invoke and I will expand more in posts to come. For now my halls are all decked out and I am preparing for the traditions of the Christmas season…but my heart is changed…more to come!*****