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Failed Expectations

So here I am again wrestling with thoughts. Trying to sort out truth from lies. It may have resulted from being weary of the fight of another fierce migraine…I am most vulnerable to letting my mind slip into false notions. I have no fight or resolve in me, yet I am committed to the truth and desire intimacy with God at any cost.

I have been talking with my eldest about relationships. She is entering to the social realm and is perceptive and keen of the insincere. So desiring to give her a rock of which to stand, even if alone at times…I turn her to Jesus and we plead together for authentic relationships that will feed her spirit and bring life and beauty to her journey. Secretly in the quiet space of the morning I reflect on my relationships past and present. I willingly ask questions of authenticity and legitimacy. I long for life giving. We are all but fallen and will disappoint…we are all broken and will throw stones that shatter…But I still cling with a sliver of faith to the hope that we can be restored, here and now. That HIS kingdom come and HIS will be done on THIS earth as it is in heaven. That means relationships loved, true, transparent, life giving and restored!!

So I scoop up in my arms all the failed expectations of my past and present….

they who did not see me young and hurting…

she who knowingly threw daggers to hurt…

those who sought to manipulate and control out of fear of failure…

he who grew distant in pain…

those who used position and authority to instill fear…

she whose desire to bond was great but could only act out of wounds…

those who live in the shallow in fear of depth…

they who passed on impurity out of ignorance and dark passion…

those who desire to be close yet choose theologies that divide…

she who chooses security over intimacy…

those who pass judgement and laws that are impossible to fulfill…

those who cast out a friend from gathering because her light is a reminder of their darkness…

As I hold them hurting still, I have a choice. I can hold them and pour over the offenses allowing bitterness to ensue my own soul and steal all that can bless…OR I can lay them at the feet of Jesus. Who Himself was betrayed, who as taken for granted, who was misunderstood, who was unseen, who was wrongfully accused and killed. He knows and cares. I can lay them at His feet leaving holes in my heart. The beauty of knowing Him and trusting that He will fill each hole, meant for one person, with another. He himself may come and heal or he may send one unexpected to tend to the wound. Either way He tends and I heal.

I do not want bitterness to steal the blessings of the present. Or cause a divide so great that relationships can not be restored.

I was reading a book about relationships. It was saying that having expectations are selfish and to let go of all expectations. Although their point was valid in many ways, there rose up in me a passion that wanted to scream from the roof top….That relationships are meant to be filled…healing…loving…true…I am not willing to let go of that expectation!!

A mother is meant to bond and nurture

A father is meant to lead and love

A friend is meant to laugh with and cry with

A brother is meant to stay near

A Pastor is meant to teach the truth and lead people to JESUS

A counselor is meant to guide in wisdom and truth

A friend to listen

A mother to feed

A father to instruct

And ALL to forgive and bear WITH!!

The list goes on and I am sure you get the idea. This is not some fairytale that I fantasize about. It is a design of the Trinity meant for us to share. It is a reflection of the relationship between the Father, Son and Spirit meant for us to enjoy with THEM and EACH OTHER!!!

So I hold fast to my expectation that it can happen, I sit at the feet of Jesus and learn how. I let go of those failed and my failures and let the holes open to be filled….This is the Great Expectation!!

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Five Minute Friday: Perspective

Linking up with http://thegypsymama.com/

GO!! Perspective: This word is a word that’s meaning can yield such power bringing about so much change and freedom in an instant. Every day there is a choice of where to hang your soul. Two pegs of which results are  polar opposite.

“See, I am setting before you today a blessing and a curse” Deuteronomy 36:11

Each day, each moment lived there is a choice between the two; blessing and curse. Each with it a different perspective with different life altering results

Through the curse the perspective of life and circumstances are narrow, dark and lonely. You choice for yourself and will do all that will benefit the audience of one. You see failures, shortcomings, and are constantly in want for more. Fear steals love and joy. You do for others, so they will do for you. You are left in the end feeling desperate, your work meaningless and those you’ve journeyed beside are left unloved by you.

Choosing the blessing your perspective broadens beyond yourself. The audience of one changes from your pride to the Almighty. Perfect love cast out fear and produces joy. You see beauty in ashes. Hope in despair. And your work reaps a harvest a hundred fold. Those around you are blessed deeply in their spirit just being with you. You are never alone. Always hopeful. Loved and love. Your perspective is limited to the court of the King of Kings and lives in eternity.

The choice is yours. Which will you choose this day??
Done!

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What so ever is…Jim the Can Man

I want to start a series on thinking on the “What so ever is…” from Philippians 4:8

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence,

if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”

So I want to start with…What so ever is Commendable…Meet Jim “The Can Man”

If you live in my area, you may seem him with his trash can on wheels around town. He is a simple man. He needs help paying his bills and making appointments. He pulls around trash cans collecting metal and various recyclable items to turn into cash…to help pay his bills.

He is willing to do the work. He walks 6 miles round trip just to get to my neighborhood. Then he walks around looking for friendly faces to sort through their recyclable bins.

He drags them home. He breaks them into manageable pieces, discarding materials that are not worth anything.  Sometimes Home nursing picks him and his collection up and drives him outside of town and “Kevin” pays him for his time and effort in the value of what can be recycled.

He is resourceful. He is friendly. He was worried Jeff would be mad that I was taking his picture. He didn’t want to take anything without Jeff’s permission. He is respectful.

He may not be the smartest. BUT unlike SO many smarter in our society, he works hard to multiply what he’s been given to take care of himself.

He is commendable.

Each visit he makes sure I know ALL the things he can take and recycle. He has a magnet that wont stick to aluminum, that’s how he knows. I told him I would spread the word. So he told me to get a pen and paper and write down all the things he takes….

aluminum (cans, railings, door, siding, etc.), metal (brass, copper, steel, iron) , Vehicle Batteries, window air conditioners, NO GLASS

He knows to stop at our house. So if you have any of these things laying around feel free to drop them off for Jim the Can Man. It has to be small enough to fit or strap to his trash can.

Although Jeff would find a way to get it to his home.

He is inspiring.

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Mothers Honored

I can not include all the mother’s that I have learned from and admired. But I wanted to honor some present and some past and know that I love them!!

My Mother, 1972…A Servant Mother, A Working Mother, A Mother Example

A Prayerful Mother…My Grandmother…A Mother Face to Face with whom she prayed!!

A Mother of Beauty: Inside and Out…My Nana

A Mother by Love: She is ever dear to me and birthed the man I love…Here holding my boy just born…

A Mother Noticed…A Mother Faithful…I have watched and loved this mother…even though she dropped me on my head as a baby…

A Mother Filled in when I needed a Mom while my mom was half the world away…Words do not express…

A Mother, A Sister, A Friend

A Mother I live life daily with…

A Mother Expecting Her Third…and sister by love!!

A Mother Inspiring…And Her Story via Blog…http://averyspecialcase.blogspot.com

A Mother Persevering…and a sweet neighbor from my childhood!

A New Mother…

I Mother Just Met…

For whom God gave me a Mother’s Heart….Not my own, but forever in my heart!!

Happy Mother’s Day to all the Mother’s who have touched my life…I am a better Mama for it…Those not pictured are not forgotten…I love you!!

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Identity

 IDENTITY. Its a word with a definition that defines. It is a word I ignored because it brought such confusion and turmoil for years.

Who am I? Where did I come from? Where am I going? What do I love? What defines me.

In grade school it was my family and religion.

In Jr. High it was my friends and activities.

In High School it was my appearance.

In college it was my career and course of study.

Then I dropped all those things and wanted something more. I wanted to be defined by something greater. So I sought to invest in every needy person and worthy cause.

I got married and fit into the wife role, like a well fitting leather glove. It felt good…but there was something more…the longing to belong and contribute to greatness was getting deeper.

I got pregnant…had two wonderful babies…and thought motherhood would be a natural overflow of who I was…romantic notions of what that looked like went up in flames. The natural extension of who I was, was nothing short of ugly and selfish and misery. The longing grow wider, there had to be more to me…for me…for Jeff…for my children..for everyone.

Then all that I thought was me was stripped away, my family life exposed, religion dropped, friend became very few, I stopped all activities, my body drastically changed, my mind played tormenting tricks on me, I only got an Associates degree and was not using it. I felt dark, confused, alone and miserable. Now nothing was left of Stephanie but a deep and wide longing to KNOW who she was…

So I sat with my Father and asked HIM!

Who is Stephanie.

Why did you create her this way?

What should she do with her pain and memories.

What is she good at?

How can she be a good wife.

How can she love her children.

I confess I am nothing. I am selfish. I am sinful. I NEED YOU.

Something amazing far beyond any thing I could imagine started happening. Jesus saved me from myself. The Heavenly Father Started to define ME!! The chasm that was is growing smaller and being filled, sometimes even overflowing. I feel loved. I can love.

This is my new identity….LOVED.

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Eyes That See

I did not want to get out of bed. Sleep was sound and I am weary. But I got out of bed not even aware of my need simply following routine. The dogs constant whine was pushing me over a proverbial cliff and I wanted to throw him over before I lost my thread of sanity as I desperately waited for my coffee to be ready.  With coffee in hand and dog at foot still whining, we both automatically went to my morning spot weary.

I tried to attend to the dog to appease for just a moment to sip and reached for my book that may reach deeper than my stomach…The title read “Seeing God’s Fingerprints.” Eyes welled with tears and I confessed. I desperately want to see all His glory and all the beauty and stay there full. But how can I when I also see…

A little boy angry with needs unmet.

A mother just birthed on the phone with her divorce lawyer.

A wife tired of a husband emotionally absent.

A Father and servant ridden with cancer.

A marriage raging war and wounds still deep, lies still grip…but they fight still in hope.

A family burdened with debt unable to even entertain dreams of doing or giving…

A man fighting alone a battle so great not many survive…

Tears falling because I see and guilt wants to steal away the splendor and beauty that God wants to give me. So I read words in hopes that they increase my faith and my eyes will see something new…

“I bless you with coming to your heavenly Father, drawing near with your heart and your spirit to Him. I bless you with truly seeing with fresh perspective what your Father has done for you, the awesome miracles He is doing for you. I bless you with seeing with thanksgiving and gratitude God’s work in  your life and in your world. I bless you with celebrating the heritage of blessings that your Father has invested in you. I bless you with counting your blessings, never ceasing to give glory to God as you were created to do. I bless you with fulfillment in joining the heavenly chorus of worship of your heavenly Father for His character, His availability, His Father-heart, His love, His mercy, and on and on.”

The desire wells up but something deep resists. How can I accept such a precious exchange when so many are hurting and starving in spirit? A whisper comes softly and my ears listen…

“Come and see what God has done, how awesome His works in man’s behalf” Ps 66:5…” Just as I give to you, you need to receive and be filled….just as you give to others…they too have to receive and be fed. Just as I offer to you this glory and fulfillment I offer to them…they too need to receive. It is a choice, your choice.”

Guilt is melting. Faith is renewing. I want to receive. I want to see.

“I bless you, Stephanie, with unfolding and enlarging your spirit. I bless you with room to breathe fee, to become, to grow, to fill the whole frame of God’s masterpiece that He is painting of your life. I bless  you with receiving your life from the hand of your Father whose plans are marvelous. I bless you with appreciation of the awesome, overwhelming creativity and intricacy of your design and the design of everybody and everything in your world. I bless you with more and more revelation into the plans and purposes of your Father’s heart for you, in you, and through you, and for others, and for the place and community in which you live. I bless you in the name of Jesus of Nazareth.”

Peace ushers in to my heart troubled. I open my hands to receive. Guilt is not from my Father and I throw it to the fire. I taste and it is sweet and I want to feast on His goodness. I want to be so full that it overflows to those close, yet knowing that I can not spoon feed them to fulfillment. That they too have to see, desire and receive the beauty and majesty He has for them. Until them, I will wait in the shadow of the Almighty’s wing and listen for His Spirit’s whisper and give when He prompts and return to be fed and renewed.

I want to See.

Seeing God’s Fingerprints, Blessing your spirit by Sylvia Gunter and Arthur Burk

P.S. The dog is still whining and I want to swear and through him over that cliff. Each whine presses on the huge nerve that the busy weeks have left exposed. Dont worry, I will refrain….I gave him a bone to busy himself with and it took him five minutes to devour…sigh…I am smiling at his huge brown eyes staring at me longing. Good thing God is ever so patient. That my whining doesn’t push Him to drop me off a cliff…I am filling, even though desperately tired…I am being filled.

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5 Minute Friday

Linking up with http://thegypsymama.com/ for 5 Minute Friday

Prompt word: Real

Here I go…

The word real could not be more appropriate a title for my blog. People have been offended, encouraged, blessed and who knows what…while I have simply been committed to being real. I was not always that committed. Reality was not an option because reality hurt too much. I spent hours striving to prove reality wrong by serving and ministering. I stuffed my feelings because they might seem weak or offend someone. All the while my body and spirit lived real life my mind and pride lived in fantasy.  I acted mature and was of adult age but my emotions were stuck in a time of youth and my spirit still baby. Once I faced what was true about who I was and where I was in life, pain came like a flood and my whole person started to feel, grow and mature. IT is not always easy being REAL but it is where life is LIVED….

Done. Wow, that was actually 5 mins. I am so proud of myself :)

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Business vs. Idleness Part 2

I want to say this, I have not fully grasped these thoughts I ponder. I have not mastered their skill. The Spirit has just begun a work in me a mere two years and it takes time, diligence and attention for truth to become a reality…a way of life. I have been to busy at times and others paralyzed by fear and still others simply lazy…Evidence of this lack of maturity is threaded through my life. But I am being unraveled and renewed!! It is powerful and I am hopeful, for myself and you. Please add your thoughts or challenge…it adds depth and different colors to my thoughts making it more beautiful!!

My experience so far in my thirties something life and watching the lives of those that have toiled before me is how these thoughts have been born…The Spirit has been teaching and the Word has pierced deeply and I am learning. So here I go…

Disorder, chaos, clutter, shame, laziness, fear, impatience and indulgence are not of the Lord’s design.

Chaos defined:

A condition or place of great disorder or confusion.

Laziness:

1.averse or disinclined to work, activity, or exertion; indolent.
2.causing idleness or indolence: a hot, lazy afternoon.
3.slow-moving; sluggish: a lazy stream.
Impatient:
1. Unable to wait patiently or tolerate delay; restless.
2. Unable to endure irritation or opposition; intolerant: impatient of criticism.
3. Expressing or produced by impatience: an impatient scowl.

4. Restively eager or desirous; anxious

Indulge:

1 give free rein to; “The writer indulged in metaphorical language”
2 yield (to); give satisfaction to [syn: gratify, pander]
3 enjoy to excess [syn: luxuriate]
4 treat with excessive indulgence; “grandparents often pamper the children”; “Let’s not mollycoddle our students!” [syn: pamper, featherbed, cosset, cocker, baby, coddle, mollycoddle, spoil]
Why define? For me it adds words that can create depth and width to my thoughts. Sorry if it is a waste of your time…I will move on.
I have been putting this post on the back burning and mulling it over and over. I want to tread softly yet in truth!! Two seemingly conflicting thought patterns clash in my mind and my hands are left uncommitted to type. First I will draw out the conflict, then hopefully add the colors for clarity…
1. Chaos is a symptom of the absence of God’s design.  We exist and are establish into the world’s chaos the moment we are born. So apart from God we are in bondage to the sin of disorder, indulgence, and laziness. The more we let go of our designs and seek the Father’s design for us we experience peace that the world can not give. Peace in relationship with God. Peace in relationship with others. Peace and clarity within the chaos. Beauty then comes from ashes. What was fashioned for evil is transformed into God’s goodness and beauty. This peace that only come from Christ demolishes the authority of chaos. (Matthew 5:9, Ephesians 6:14-18, Luke 1:79, John 14:27)
2. Living in the world we will have choas and messes. Simply having a family warrants a mess. Messes are a sign of life….Perfection is not a option or even attainable. Striving for order can be simply striving taking energy and time away from what is most important, genuine relationship with God and those He entrusted me with…

Proverbs 14:4 Where there are no oxen, the manger is clean,

but abundant crops come by the strength of the ox.

At first I thought I had to choose one line of thought or the other. BUT thankfully I do not, sigh of relief. The point the pierces through the fog of my limited mind is that Christ did not come to take us out of or spare us from the world. He came to overcome the world IN us. To give us a deep seeded peace. To give us wisdom on what to strive for at what moment. To transform our dependency on ourselves to a deep abiding in His life giving!! For us to let go of all that steals our peace and keep us and our minds in perpetual chaos.

I lived in a state of mind, body and spirit that swung between perpetual chaos and idleness. I was tossed to and fro. I lived in a constant state of fear and shame that propelled me on to do all the good things presented, yet lived with a gut feeling that something was terribly wrong. I am learning that making any choice or striving out of fear or shame is NOT of God. He is a God of peace and love. So my challenge has been to abide in Him, to know HIM, to listen to the Spirit’s soft whisper to go this way or that. To WAIT on HIM…To painfully allow truth to shed light on all that is stealing my peace and letting them go one by one…

There is peace…for you…His child…

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. 13 You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.

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About Me

What can I state but the facts :)

I love Jesus and have gotten to know him in such a light that I am changed forever! Not only my Savior, but my friend!

I am a wife to a wonderful husband…love, love being a wife…not one regret there!!

I am a mother, and my mother’s heart is always prayerful!!

I have a daughter, Elise, she has taught me so much about myself and am forever grateful!

I have a son, Blaise, he came into our lives at a time when I needed to learn about love.

I grew up a PK and my father went through a season of debilitating illness.

My parents are both hard workers committed to doing was right and honoring the Lord.

I am committed to living in reality…seeking the truth to dispel the lies.

I love to celebrate beauty.

I am physically weak. Have had multiple surgeries. Am tired and achy often. I have migraines often. Have to eat gluten free, should be eliminating other things…

I need lots of white space and rest.

I am deep…uh duh, if you’ve read my blog…and am learning to take relational risks.

I am led to pray, especially through my physically blah times…

I am overcoming through Christ Jesus and just starting to feel…all the pain and all the love…

God is good.

Feel free to add to my description of myself, lol…I am sure I have missed something :) love you… Stephanie

 

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Turn The Enemy’s Plans…

UPSIDE DOWN!! I prayed this awhile ago and was brought to it yesterday…and man have I noticed all the cunning temptations sent my way…Almost a little overwhelming but am encouraged to take one at a time…ask for truth…apply it…and TURN the ENEMY’S plans upside down!! WHEW…I am tired…

Again a blessing from Blessing Your Spirit by Sylvia Gunter and Arthur Burk:

I bless you with the joy of regularly seeing Satan’s plans to destroy people turned upside down and seeing God bring good out of potentially painful life circumstances. I bless you with the joy of partnering with your Father to take many situations that Satan intends for harm and defeating the enemy’ plans for evil and turning bad situations into beauty as you experience your Father’s presence with you. I bless you as a normal course of life to see the problems that Satan brings into the world used by God to reveal new wisdom, new grace, new strength, and new freedom, as God makes a public spectacle of His enemy and yours through you. I bless you with God’s perspective on the pain and suffering in the world; that it will be an opportunity for you to rise to your calling and live up to a fuller potential than you have known. I bless you with partnering with God for His purposes, using problems as a platform to see Him work in ways that are unmistakably Him. I bless you with these blessings of victory and bringing the victory of the cross forward to the present. I bless you in the name of Jesus of Nazareth, your Lord.