I woke up to the sound of the garbage truck at five a.m. knowing our cans were not at the curb. Trying to push back annoyance and sleep the last few minutes of desperately needed rest, I settled into a dream that has been reoccurring for me. It is a dream that I am just sobbing because I missed going to the Sweet Valley Cottages. Everyone is going but I have to stay here. We did not go this September and that sweet place for me is a quiet peaceful retreat that I LONG for. I must long for that kind of pushing back all the bad news, busy schedules, looming deadlines, messy house, meal times, bills and homework kind of PEACE.
The alarm went off. I had already heard the dogs waking and coming, they know it is time and they are bedside the moment before the beeping starts. I have to practically leap over 170 lbs of dog to start my day. This day, with a migraine, a full schedule and weary to start kinda day with a longing that played out in my dreams now lingering deep in my spirit. HOW.DO.THEY.DO.IT?? How do all the others manage to keep pushing on and on and stay rested and at peace? I stopped questions running in my head, gripped my stiff fingers around my hot cup and cried from the inside out.
“Father, I just need a hug”
“I just need you, some how in all this, Your presence. Your Peace.”
I opened up my Blessing book to the day I that came next…Day 36 Love. The tears ran real softly over dark circles and that longing burst into desperation. YES. I need to “FEEL” loved. IN this day…all day…and tomorrow too…Loved.
Stephanie, your Father made you beautiful and beloved. I bless you with receiving the Father-heart of God His matchless love for you. His love revealed in you is a gold mine of identity and legitimacy from which to live out your birthright confidently and purposefully. I bless you with the belonging, inclusion, and worth that His love nurtures in you. I bless you with being convinced deep in your spirit that nothing in heaven, earth, or hell can separate you from your Father’s love. I bless you with knowing that nothing in your past, present, or future can take His love from you. I bless you with being sure of His love in your fears and worries, in your problems and pain, in good times and bad. He promises that because of His love, His power, and His blessing upon you, He causes pain and negative things to be transformed into good, and I bless you with deeply abiding in that truth. (Gunter pp94)
So breathe deep friend. Inhale love so you can exhale joy.
As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love… These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full. (John 15:9,11 ESV)
Abide in HIS love…JOY may be FULL.
I want to feel this. Not just know it in my head but feel in deeply and STAY there. The longing to be filled and I get to know JOY. In all of this JOY.
Jesus, I come to you fumbling with this precious promise of Joy and Love not knowing how to abide. Teach me. I confess that I am willful of self and try to hang on to survive, when letting go is really this only way to LIVE. Help me let go. Help me know and feel you in me…The Father’s LOVE in me. Until I feel, let me simple believe. Because with Faith, I have Hope and with Hope there is Love. Break down all the self protecting walls and help me feel. Even if I have to know grief of loss before love. I want You. I know and believe that You are faithful and hear my cry…my longing after You. Thank you…is not enough. May today be a song of worship pleasing to your ears…All because Jesus made a way to You!! In Jesus’ Name. Amen